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Saturday, May 01, 2004
LAST NIGHT was soo awesome!
omigosh!! i loved last night!!
so i like went to the hoop right? well iw ent to the hoop and the begining was kidna dll but then we started dancing and it got fun :) i went around for like a hlaf hour and slapped liek literally 20 guys asses well i slapped this guys ass and he slapped me back! ow ow! so i danced with him once the kimmie that lil bitch lol stole him from me! ugh but then we still got his # and ia m goign to hang with him today! maybe i hope lol hes soo fuckingbomb!!
gtg not in the mod to write but i had to put that in here! mwhahah
Posted at 02:35 pm by Whitney
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Monday, April 26, 2004
yea so i just got back from boise aroung 1 this afternoon. i decided to go to school for the rest of the afternoon. after school i walked to kimmies with louie sam and ben. we all walked aroung and kimmie and i were in a bathing suit tops tee hee hee. anyway when i got home it was all okay. i ate dinner watched a lil tv then i went up stairs to clean off the counter and my mom just went off on me! she was saying all this stuff how i didnt respect her and all this stuff. i was like okay? i just got home today and i was sick pretty much for the past two weeks? wat do you want me to do now? but yea so i just got yelled at a grip and now i am about to go unpack and do some homework. i would like to hear yalls stories on pissy moms. :) they are always fun to hear lol
whitney
Posted at 07:13 pm by Whitney
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Friday, April 23, 2004
i am about to leave for boise. i am going for the weekend to visit my dad. he doesnt live there but a lot of his family does and he is thinking of moving there so we are meeting up there.
so yesterday, yesterday i was soo happy! the happiest i have been in a LLOOOOONNNGG time. so lets see i slept in for the most part then i rode my bike to school did testing for a little, went to the cafataria to eat lunch and saw a lot of my friends for the first time in two weeks!at lunch i played basket ball wiht jack and daniel it was fun. they are like my best guy friends! then i finished my testign and rode my bike ome and went to the doctor. that night i went downt to the river for my moms paddeling practice and we just sat at a cafe with soem cousins and there paddler friends
well now i am leaving for boise. i might write while i am there but i HIGHLY doubt it! so till monday bon voyage!
Posted at 01:06 pm by Whitney
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Thursday, April 22, 2004
GOOD MORNING!
Its about 6:15 and I cant sleep. I dont really know why. Maybe its because I have gotten so much sleep over the past two weeks or sumtin i donno but RISE AND SHINE!
Yesterday was shuch a good day. I slept in kind of. MIke woke me upi at about 10:30 ish and said it was 12:30 (argh the nerve) lol. So i got up took a shower and stuff. Then i just was chillen with the paretntals outside and stuff did the dishes didi some homeowork. then i was iding my eyes and i was walking up the stairs and i troppeedand fell. My eyes were bleeding because i sknned them with th eice pack. It was soo painful! i was just lying there balling! my yom was there right ext to me and i she fo course flipped out! she called my dad who got me an appiontment with this guy in lake oswego. So off we went we drove ella the way there and he saw me. He got me all this medicinenad stuff. ALREADY my eyes look a ron better! i have never been happier! now i get to go to boise tomorrow an di am hrillled! imissmy daddy so mhc! well when we got back i put on a baseball cap and went to school becuas ei was planning on going to lunch that day to visit but instead i went after school to see everyone. it was nice. everyone wanted to see my eyes and they were al disgusted..lo. i twas kinda funny tho i just laugghed and said it was fine and that iwill be all better HOPEFULLY on monday but that i would be doing a full school day then no matter wat!
Today i am goign to g to school wheni feel like it. i have to do some testing that i missed but i will not do all of it HOPEFULLY! gosh that owuld bite. but yea so i will prolly chill htere turn in some homework and walk on home it will be nice. Well i think i might try to fall asleep again but i dont think i twill be a suceess. i might just go watch TV downstair. wats on at this hour i wonder?
Whitney
Posted at 06:20 am by Whitney
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Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Today was a good day. I think. i slept in. i took a very nice warm shower. kimmie called me and we went and picked her up at the school. i was wearing my sunglasses and i walked into the office. kimmie was there. i saw other people. Cale, office folks, louie. i showed a few of them my eyes.then we went to mr cheeks classroom. everyone wanted to see. is howed evan, mario, and ashley, they thought it was really bad, it is. then kimmie my mom and i all went back to my house and watched "under the tuscan sun" which was really good! i loved it. then we just hung for the rest of the day adn here ia m. yup it was a good day :)
Posted at 06:26 pm by Whitney
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Today was a good day. I think. i slept in. i took a very nice warm shower. kimmie called me and we went and picked her up at the school. i was wearing my sunglasses and i walked into the office. kimmie was there. i saw other people. Cale, office folks, louie. i showed a few of them my eyes.then we went to mr cheeks classroom. everyone wanted to see. is howed evan, mario, and ashley, they thought it was really bad, it is. then kimmie my mom and i all went back to my house and watched "under the tuscan sun" which was really good! i loved it. then we just hung for the rest of the day adn here ia m. yup it was a good day :)
Posted at 06:26 pm by Whitney
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Sunday, April 18, 2004
Im not alone
you all are here by my side
im not alone
i see you smile and shout my name
i am not alone
i am comfortable around you
i am not alone
you enclose me in your sureal life and keep me safe
i am not alone
your arms are open when my heart is closed minded
i am not alone
I am not alone i realized last night
after writing my last entry i went to my grand aunt delzy's for a family get together. right when i walked in the door my at least 10 or 15 cousins all shouted my name. everyone wanted a hug from me and were all happy to see me.
I was talking to Delzy and she was asking me how i liked the family her. of course i said it was lovely. she gave me this long talk about hwow she loves it to becaus eyou are never alone. you know who you are when you are around your family, all the questions i asked myself not that long before were answered. i know that my delzy has a power. she knwos when a person is hurting and how to fix it. she knew the questions running through my mond and luckily she knew the answers.
now i know i am not alone and i know who is there for me, thank you God for helping me i knwoyou were a part of this.
Posted at 06:00 pm by Whitney
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Saturday, April 17, 2004
I am so pissed at my self right now! UGGGh!!I can’t even fucking see because of my eyes! Everything is blurry! Uggh
I walk out side so I can talk to my mom who has been gone all day. I try to talk to her about her lil thinga magig that she went to and she is just like.” Uggh look at your face!” Okay I can not have a conversation with my mom she is the worst listener I have ever seen!! It’s like will you just let me talk before you worry about my appearance? Do you think that I don’t know that my eyes are fucked up beyond belief!! Give me a break!! I want some one who will look at me normal with out look at my scabs and shit! Why can’t it all be better? What the hell did I do to deserve all this shit? I want to be normal, go to school, and hang out with my friends. But no, I can’t because my FUCKING EYES!! I want it to go away!! I will do anything, seriously!! I just want them to go away!!! AHH!!
I may sound like a complainer but, if you were in my position I am sure you would feel the same way. No one has looked at me even CLOSE to normal in a whole Seven days!! They all look at my like I have “FREAK” written all over my face! I want to be able to go out of my house! I have been in it for 7 days!! I feel so trapped and just stuck. I want to be my self!! I feel as if I will never be the same again.
My mom just came in my room to talk to me. She always relates to her surgeries when she was a kid. Not to be rude but I really don’t give a damn, it is a totally different situation. We are in a different century for Christ sake! Well, then I was all crying and stuff and guess what she does? She calls my brother Aaron for a lil chat! W.T.F.?? We are like trying to have a conversation and there is a lil’ pause so she calls up Aaron, and is like, “Hi how are you? Blah, blah, blah.” Okay... that is RE-TAR-DEAD!!!
I am mentally breaking down further and further everyday since last Friday. Down, down, down I go. I don’t know when I will hit the bottom or where it is or what will happen when I finally do reach it. But for some reason I want it to happen really soon. I think that once I hit the bottom maybe I can come back up. Because you can’t start coming up until you fall all the way down.
No one can even comprehend the pain and struggle I am in. It is either worse or nothing compared to everyone else’s struggles. My mom was saying all this stuff how it will get better soon, well duh! But I was saying that it is going to scar and all this stuff and she is like, “Whitney you have such a bad attitude" DUH!!! No mom, I am a smiling bright ball of sun!! Obviously I have a bad attitude wouldn’t you? Your eyes are swollen, you cant close your eyes all the way, you can see clearly, no one looks at you other than like you are an alien, you have been stuck in your house for seven days and you keep on crying so your eyes swell more and your vision gets blurrier and blurrier so finally you just cant see, you fall asleep in a deep slumber and when you awake it starts all the way back over again!
I want to be Whitney again, the bright out going person I am who is afraid of nothing not even the pain of being hurt. Who does not judge, who smiles for no reason, who wants to be inCalifornia on the beach, or up in the mountains coasting down the snowy hills. The girl who talks for other peoples amusement, who just wants everyone to be happy. Who thinks she is happy. Am I happy? I don’t even know who I am anymore. This may seem like nothing to a lot of people reading this, but in the “accident” or what ever you want to call it, I have lost my self. I want to know how I am again. I want to able to look in the mirror see my blonde hair, my broad smile, my rosy cheeks, and my big blue eyes. I want to be able to see my reflection and like it again. I know it won’t be long, but how ever long this is taking is too long. I want to be me. I want to be able to yell at cute boys walking down the street, I want to be able to walk up to a guy not being afraid of being rejected, I want to be able to be my goofy self again.
If I could have ANYTHING in the world I would want to be ME! Not this thing that I am right now, I want to be who I was last year. I was so happy last year. I was glowing! I knew that that couldn’t last forever but I feel that this whole move has fucked me up. I am an angrier person, and I just am not me. I feel like I can’t go back I keep trying but I then do something that I regret, even if it’s as simple as yelling at Mike for poking me. That’s not me. To be me I would just poke him back joke around until my mom got mad.
I was close to everyone around me, I walked on water, who ever didn’t like me didn’t have a reason, and if they did I always made it up to them no matter how I could, anyway that I could.
Why can’t I be my self anymore? Have I just changed? Am I being fake? WHO AM I? I don’t know anymore. No one can tell me who I am except me. But every time I try to be me I turn into someone I am not. Am I just everyone I admire in one body and mind? But to do that I have to have reasons to admire those people. So, I do have a personality, right? I hope. I don’t want to be one of those people who are just there that just take up space. I want to make a difference in peoples lives so I am happy all the time. As Rachel and Haley would say, I am there sunshine. Where do I get my sun from? I don’t have “a sunshine”. I am alone. I am like a tanning bed. I give everyone their sun but I am only used. I go into the darkness when they are done with me, till next time they need a tan.
Now I question everything I ever was. Have I really treated people the way they should be treated? Have I been self absorbed my whole life only worrying about my self? No, no, no, how is that possible? I just want people to happy. I smile so they smile. Am I hiding behind a mask? Should I be? Do I put my self out there to much? I need answers! I want to know who I am! What I have been? But I will never know. There is no one I can ask. There is no one who has been there for everything I have done. My family? No, they are not there at school or parties or what ever. They don’t know me either. I have moved so many times I don’t have anyone who I can see grow in front of my eyes. I don’t have anyone who has watched me change and changed with me. I want to go back to the beginning and stay. Never move, I want people I know, who I really know, to be around me but there is no one. I don’t know anyone and no one knows me.
I am just me. I am growing. I am becoming independent. I am Whitney Marie Holtan. But, who is that? No one knows, not even me. No one will ever know. Until my life is finished, completed. When I am old and dead people will look back and learn, learn things I never knew about my self. Things no one knew but the one thing that knows me and knows who I will be... God. He knows who I am now and who I will be in the future.
†God please guide me to me... I want to find my self. Help me please. I need you know more than ever. †
Posted at 05:52 pm by Whitney
Permalink
Friday, April 16, 2004
NNOOO!! i just had like this REALLY LONG poll liek thingy wwat are they called? argh i forget!! o well..!!! i will do it again!!
c u r r e n t c y
current clothing: some jeans, black t-shirt, marine jacket, black and white thong, black bra..:o)
current mood: bored!!
current taste: corn dog!! hehehe
current hair: down and blonde!
current annoyance: none
current smell: can't smell ne thing hmm...
current thing you ought to be doing: nothing...
current jewelry: shell neckalce from mexico that my big bro gave me and my blue watch
current book: Lovely Bones
current refreshment: Root Beer
current worry: that my eyes will never heal....or at least not by monday!! that would suck!!!!current crush: i dont really have one... i like alot of boys..in wyoming! uggh i hate boys in portland!! they are asses!
current favorite celebrity: this hot guy i saw today on Tv his name was Jesse or sumtin!! yummy yummy yummy!!
current longing: A MAN!!
current music: watching tv
current wish: to have no scabs around my eyes!
current lyric in your head: Every step I take,Every move I make,Every single day,Everytime I pray
I'll be missing you.Thinking of the day,When you went away,What a life to take
What a bond to break,I'll be missing you
current makeup (if you're a girl!): Carmex
current undergarments: thong and a bra :0P
current regret: not wearing goggles!!
current desktop picture: a star thingy
currentt plans for tonight/weekend: none
current cuss word du jour: none really
current disappointment: My rents being bitches
current amusement: none ia m bored as fuck!!
current IM/person you're talking to: Rachel
current love: none
current obsession: I dunno lol
current avoidance: School
current thing or things on your wall: all shit load of pictures of all my friends nad in my clset a bunch of hot guys form magazines!
current favorite book: dont have one
current favorite movie: well i wanna see mean girls but i guess bring it on!! lol i love it suck a classic!!
i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: Whitney Marie H****
2. single or taken: single
3. sex: Female
4. birthday: 05-15-90
6. siblings: 15 and 17 yr old brothers
7. hair color: blonde/brown
8. eye color: green/blue
9. shoe size: 8.5-9
10. height: 5' 5''
r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who are your best friends?: Ali Dubois, Krista Haines, Courtney Blalock, Teesha Sybert, Kimmie Tammen, Morgan Henshaw, Alana Harington, Rahel Bowen, Haley Zilka.
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: nope
f a s h i o n s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop: nordstroms/Pac Sun/American Eagle
2. any tattoos or piercings: ears pierced
s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs?: no but i did try weed
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: rusk;calm
3. what are you most scared of?: being raped
5. who is the last person that called you?: Maddie K.
6. where do you want to get married?: on the beach
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 20
8. what would you change about yourself?: My fucked up eyes to go away shit!and my laziness sometimes
f a v o r i t e s
1. color: pink,red,orange,yellow,green, blue,purple, i love the whole rainbow!
2. food: Antything lol
3. boys names: Joe
4. girls names: Crystal, i donno i have a brain block!!
5. subjects in school: English,lietature and our like mini course thing, and the poetry course we did
6. animals: dogs
7. sports: Basketball(even though I sux lol)
h a v e y o u e v e r
1. given anyone a bath?: Nopers
2. smoked?: Yes weed NEVER a ciggarette
3. bungee jumped?: nobut i really wanna!!
4. made yourself throw up?: No!!
5. skinny dipped?: No but I so wanna do that
6: ever been in love?: Yes
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: umm...ya
8. pictured your crush naked?: Hell Yeah!!! wheni had a crush!! oh everytime i saw him!
9. actually seen your crush naked?: no.
10. cried when someone died?: Yes..did liek a lil while ago
11. lied: Ya
12. fallen for your best friend?: ya
13. been rejected?: Yes....
14. rejected someone?: ya.
15. used someone? been used?: No and Yes
16. done something you regret?: Yepp
l a s t | p e r s o n
you touched: My mom i gave her a hug before she left to go outto dinner
hugged: my mommy
you imed: rachel
you yelled at: my brother
you kissed: paul
a r e | y o u
understanding: For the most part, yes
open-minded: very
arrogant: Not that I know of *looks around*
insecure: not really but soemtimes
interesting: So I've been told random: Yes very!!lol
hungry: Not now..I just ate
smart: I dunno hehe
moody: Sometimes
hard working: When I wanna be
organized: I used to be but I've been lazy...I need to start gettin more organized and involved in school stuff...
healthy: no well kinda
shy: Around people I haven't been around much
difficult: Not as much anymore
attractive: People have told me so but I dunno
bored easily: Yes
messy: Sometimes
obsessed: Not really
r a n d o m
In the morning i am: brain- dead
all i need is: a shower
love is: makes you smiel when even the worst is happening
i dream about: lots of things!
o p p o s i t e s e x
what do you notice first: their head lol
last person you slow danced with: some short kids at the dance lol hahah that was halarious!! worst question to ask: I dunno
makes you laugh the most: Everything makes me laugh hehe makes you smile: Them smiling
who do you have a crush on: no oen specific
who has a crush on you: i wish i knew...
d o y o u e v e r
sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: Yes
wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Not really wish you were younger: Nah
cried because someone said something to you?: Yepp
n u m b e r
of times i have had my heart broken: once or twice
of hearts i have broken: four or five but not my fault
of guys ive kissed: like 5 but keep it on the DL lol
of girls ive kissed: none of continents i have lived in: one
of tight friends: three or four
of cds i own: 20 maybe
of scars on my body: lke 10!!
F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s
1. do you like fillings these out?: once in awhile
2. gold or silver: silver
3. what was the last film you saw at the movies?: secret window
7. favorite cartoon/anime?: sponge bob?
8. what did you have for breakfast this morning?: Froot Loops!!
9. who would you love being locked in a room with?: I donno anyone whos hot and htinks i am how i guess!!
10. could you live without your computer?: nope
11. would you color your hair?: i do! lol
12. could you ever get off the computer?: yeh
13. habla espanol?: Ummm no???!!!!!!
14. how many people are on your buddy list?: 199
15. drink alcohol?: once in awhile
FINISHED FINALLY!! now i am goign to my cousins later!!
Posted at 07:57 pm by Whitney
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i was reading my friends profile on aim and this is wat was inside..
*You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.*
**Everyone's afraid of their own life. If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed, am I right? No one really knows the ones they love. If you knew everything they thought I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up.**
Teenage Dirtbag-Wheatus
Man I feel like mold
It's prom night and I am lonely
Low and behold
She's walking over to me
This must be fake
My lip starts to shake
How does she know who I am
And why does she give a damn about
I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby
Come with me Friday, don't say maybe
Im just a teenage dirtbag baby like you
LOVE!
'space cake...yeah its uh well its where the frosting is like the sky and all the stars and shit, yeah thats space cake..."
well yea thats like all the s/tuff in all of my friends info! lol i was boted and i didnt have much today and i really li/ked these
Posted at 06:51 pm by Whitney
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